Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay