Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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This cat wants you to take your pills
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended