Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.