Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.