Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
You Might Also Like
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.