I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.