Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!