Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.