Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
You Might Also Like
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
God has left this place
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me