[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s family
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Looking at you, Jesus.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*pokes sex life with a stick