PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.