They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.