I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.