Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”