I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
it was love at first sight
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.