i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
How does one answer this?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*