(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Ken is short for chicken
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
you gotta be faster