It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
favorite tropes as memes
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.