It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.