Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You Might Also Like
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
#JohnTravolta
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Okay
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope