[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Who did it better?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.