The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
what are they serving at kfc then???
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
best review i’ve ever seen
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar