When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
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i hate you platonically
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.