[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on