If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
This is I, Robot all over again
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Human are so complicated
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Best misinterpreted text ever!