Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
scenes of unspeakable carnage
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.