“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.