Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!