ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window