Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion