[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I never needed anything more in my life
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?