They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny