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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀