Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.