“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!