*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.