No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
reviewed some movies recently
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.