Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Meow
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea