If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Cannot stop laughing at this
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!