My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me irl
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day