Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…