Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords