[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
this came to me in a vision
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.