Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man