Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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got so much cardio in today
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Ferrari squats
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off