devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
This is so me 😂😂
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.