If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You Might Also Like
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.