#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You Might Also Like
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.