My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
ouch
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
The Backseat Boys
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.