this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
rapatouille
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight